Hedging Bets

For the past 4 months I've been talking about quitting my job.  Not quitting and getting another...just plain quitting.  As in not working.  And yet, despite all my talk, here I am, still hanging on and netting a mere 5k a year.  A job that has me standing in the same place all day with sore hips, sniffing bad perfume, toxic candles, and answering really stupid questions from strangers.

(Customer: Do you carry scrapbooks?  Me: points to big giant SCRAPBOOKS sign.  Yes!  They are actually right here under this giant sign that says SCRAPBOOKS which is directly in front of us!) 

There's the occasional angry abusive customer I deal with but for the most part it's just a simple, mostly boring job that gives me back pain and continual thirst.  (Must always be standing, must never be drinking...what would the customers think if we showed signs of being humans and not work-bots?)  The boredom is okay...I don't mind it too much.  Even this new, what I call "peon status", is okay.  I've been a jet engine mechanic, a staff sergeant in the military, a CFO for a small business, and a traveling district manager of sorts.  This is my first "small" position in awhile and I chose it intentionally for its lack of responsibility.   I wanted to focus more on my real life  and less on work.  I underestimated how frustrating it would be to be treated like a person less experienced and intelligent than I am but still...it's a bearable trade-off.  I work short shifts and shoulder almost no responsibility.  All I need to do is show up and be able to operate a cash register and restock returned merchandise.  Piece of cake.  Except for this one thing.  Or two or three.

Since I don't work very much, and when I do it's in a craft store, I should have pure liquid creativity throbbing through my veins!  I should be pumping out crocheted blankets and upcycled potholders and sweater owls and felted cat fur finger puppets like mad!  I should have at least the first 6 chapters of my book written!  I should be baking whoopie pies all day and have dinner on the table every night at 7 sharp!

I don't.

And while I've been blaming it on work all along...

My shifts are always in the middle of the day.  I can never start any big projects...I always have to stop them to go to work and break my concentration.  There's no continuity.  I'm too tired when I get home to do anything.  Working has zapped all my energy...I don't feel very healthy because I never get to drink at work.  I have something to do on every single one of my days off.  Tuesdays I do my group chi gong meditation, Wednesdays I volunteer at the organic market, Fridays I clean the house.  And on top of it all, I work on Sundays so that means Saturdays are the only day me and the husband spend together so there's another day lost.  My schedule is so screwy, I have no good blocks of time for myself to accomplish anything.


...I suspect that it's all a state of mind and quitting isn't really going to accomplish anything unless I change the way I think about my time.  I need to take responsibility for the way it is instead of blaming my unproductive days on circumstances.  I need to structure time differently.

Of course there's several other good reasons why I should quit.  I've been playing the health card lately.  I've tested quite high for pthalates in the bloodstream and in light of certain recent reproductive issues, I'm a little concerned that the pthalates slathered all over the money and receipts I handle all day are starting to do that awesome endocrine disruption thing that they do.  I'm in my thirties and I haven't had a child yet.  My clock is ticking and I want to do everything I can to make sure I'm healthy enough to have a healthy baby, safely, and without interventions.  I suspect adrenal fatigue, as well,  which is worsened by standing unnaturally all day, my inability to drink all day, as well as my inability to have my usual small once-an-hour snack that once upon a time kept my metabolism in tip-top shape.  Not anymore.  Ten pounds in the past year, which is how long I've worked at this job.  Multiple Sclerosis runs in my family and occasionally I get tingly numbness in my knees, my feet, my fingers.  Especially when I'm stressed, tired, thirsty, hungry, etc.  The fact that I'm starting to sound a little like a crazy hypochondriac has not escaped me.  The list of reasons to quit has been steadily growing for months now and it's getting quite long and ridiculous.  It would lower our income to make bankruptcy easier for me.  (That's another can of worms.)  It would give me the time I needed to write.  It would give me more creative juice.  It would give me the freedom to do that insane master cleanse where I won't eat for ten days.  It will help me be healthy enough to have a baby.  I can get up early every morning and make the husband breakfast because I can always go back to sleep after he leaves.  Maybe I'll have enough time to volunteer at the Bird Sanctuary too.  I can get a puppy and that way I'll be home all day to make sure its trained right!  Etc. etc. etc.

And what it really comes down to is the mother-in-law.  

If I quit, she will disprove.  She's already nagged me (most horrifyingly) to get another job (or 2 or 3 if "need be" whatever that means).   People say "who cares what she thinks!"  Well, it's complicated.  Once upon a time I got into some serious financial trouble and made the worst mistake ever.  I borrowed money from her.  And no...it is not paid back.  Me and the husband have our own views on finances and consider how we handle bills and debt to a private matter.  It seems M.I.L. would like our finances to be separate.  Translation:  she thinks I should be paying her with my money, not with husband's money.  At least, that's what she's implied.  And I, being totally unfamiliar with the concept of people actually meddling like this, have no idea how to handle this except to keep working and earning a measly minimum wage just to keep her from judging me and god-forbid meddling even more.  And that is dumb.

All along, I've been searching for the perfect "legitimate" reason to quit that she could say nothing about.  And then I realized...

...if I don't find my own dreams, reasons, and feelings "legitimate" enough, then I must not have very much confidence in myself.  And that bothered me.  Not being able to stake a claim on my own life is a serious problem.  All because of a M.I.L.???

I am going to South Dakota at the end of March.  I'm resolving to put in my notice before I go.  Will I have the balls?  I hope so.  I really hope so.  I'm scared of not having my own money...of us not having enough money.  Scared that I'll still have no creativity, still get nothing done.  But I feel that now is the time to take a leap.  If I change nothing, nothing will change.  Wish me luck.